Ever wonder what it takes to develop, maintain and sustain close bonds with your kids? Connect that stays in place as your child progresses from newborn to toddler to teenager and finally an adult. My daughter is 15, and we share a special relationship – we are each other’s strength and biggest critic. In this post, I share what worked for me till now. Incidentally, I was motivated to write this article by witnessing fellow mums lament the growing distance between them and their kids.
The other day, I was on my morning duty to drop off our teenage daughter at the bus stand.
As we stepped into the lift, we met other mothers (with kids of a similar age group as my daughter). And as it happens quite often when a couple of mothers bump into each other – conversations revolve around kids.
The mothers I met were reminiscing that their kids would be mortified if their parents picked and dropped them, that physical intimacy with parents is uncool, and that PDA is a disease. These kids have forbidden their parents from appearing before their friends, lest they be teased, bullied, or worse, tagged as “mama’s baby” later.
These mums were stupefied when my daughter chipped in, saying that she feels special when her parents are there for her and can’t get enough hugs and kisses.
Her saying that made my day. And I would like to believe that she meant it. She soon boarded her bus and left for school, but thoughts lingered on.
It was not the first time I heard parents complain about how their kids have shut down, that though physical disconnect is painful, what is more traumatic is the emotional disconnect from their kids as they grow up.
We all have our kids’ best interests at the bottom of our hearts and the top of our heads, so why this distance and disconnect with our kids? Is this what is called a generation gap? Is every generation condemned to going through turbulent tearing apart as pre-teens, teens and adolescents years of their kids approach?
I share a very close bond with my 15-year-old, and we are each other’s go-to person, not that we don’t have others. Seeing her eyes twinkle and her face light up at the sight of me is sheer joy – even after 15 years of motherhood.
While each parent and child is different, and there are no one-size-fits-all solutions, here are a few tips that helped me build and sustain a special connection with my daughter :
Start Young
It might seem ludicrous to bond with your brand new bundle of joy, whose only motto appears to be feed, pee- poop, sleep, repeat. But nothing can be further from the truth. Babies are born ready to build close ties with their parents – particularly their mums.
Think about it: you might have the whole world to care for, but for your little one – you are its world. Often, new parents get overwhelmed with the increasing responsibilities that come with the new baby and sometimes postpartum blues.
Amidst adjusting to the new phase of life, where is the time to bond with the baby? But don’t worry. Connecting with your newborn is a byproduct of everyday caregiving. You may not even know it’s happening until you observe your baby’s first smile and suddenly become aware of the love, joy and bliss it fills you with.
Establishing a connection with your newborn is easier than you think. Touch, hold, cuddle, play, and most importantly, talk to them. Yes, you read it right – talking goes a long way in establishing early ties with your little one and helping them achieve the “talking” milestone faster. Anything specific I need to do? Here are my tips to establish close connect with your kids:
- Mums, you have this window open for only a few years. It is your privilege and comes with an expiry date, please. Don’t let it expire unused – breastfeed your newborn for as long as possible. It is a double-edged sword – you quickly lose those extra inches while your baby drinks its way to a smarter and healthier adult. You will have this magical drink or your baby only for a few years, so give them the headstart only you can provide.
- Rock them to sleep – sing lullabies. Trust me, you won’t find a more appreciative audience for your singing. Babies love falling asleep to their parents’ voices. Experience the most amazing sight – watching a baby drifting off to sleep in your arms.
- Carry them with you on walks – prams/ strollers, better put them in a carrier – walk and talk to them. Bonus: you will burn additional calories and lose weight.
- Talk to them – while massaging, feeding, and walking with them – don’t leave any opportunities to chat with them. Here’s your window to make them listen to whatever you say. Make the most of it! Soon, either they will have a lot to say (toddler years) or nothing to share (teenagers).
Relive your Childhood
As your kids gain more independence and become more expressive, you will get more than one way to connect with them. Focus on spending quality time with them.
Create loving memories and a stress-free environment at home.
Their world expands as they start going to school. When the kids are younger, they are usually brimming with excitement and itching to tell you all that happened during the day.
Give them your ears and let it register that they have your undivided attention – increase your chances of being their “go-to” person when the troubled teens approach. Share about your day, too – make this a ritual; hopefully, little will change later.
This is an exciting phase to play and do things together :
- Reading
- Planned/ unplanned Picnics
- Roleplay
- Art
- Simple home and outdoor games
- Board games and puzzles
The list is unending – you get it. The idea is to spend quality time together (and sshh spend time with your kid’s friends as well). It will give them memories of a lifetime, and you probably would be the “coolest mum/ dad” – a title not easy to earn.
Hold on Tight – pre-teen and Teen years Ahead
Tween and teen years are the most difficult for kids and parents. Many parents feel frustrated during this phase of transition from childhood to adolescence. It is the same story that repeats generation after generation. Frequent clashes may make you think you are slowly losing your bond with your child. However, accept that your teenagers are trying to find their identity and voice. With hormones playing havoc, peer pressure and physical changes – these are tough years for them, too.
However, if you have invested in the relationship, the transition should be smooth for you and your child. That is a topic for another day.
Conclusion
Developing close bonds with your kids need not be arduous; small steps go a long way. Spending quality time together is the key- chatting, playing, and having fun together can go a long way in creating close bonds and memories that last a lifetime.
